I must have had a lobotomy in the last decade because somehow Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman have been married since 2006 – longer than her marriage to Tom Cruise! A lesser person would give Nicole a gold medal for the beard Olympics, but not me! I’m gonna give a golf clap considering that marriage has lasted through better or worse, sickness and health, Big Little Lies and Grace Of Monaco – not to mention some funky clapping! Alas, Nicole says don’t blame the longevity of her marriage on the strength of their vows. Blame it on an embargo on iMessage!

In a new interview with Parade (via W), Nicole talks about her 12 year happy marriage with Keith. There’s nothing writers like to do more than ask celebrities what keeps their marriage working because when they blow up like the Hindenburg, half the breakup article is already written. For Nicole and Keith, it’s that they never text each other to communicate – it’s carrier pigeon or nada! I kid, but Nicole says that they skip texting because it seems like a hotbed of misreading shit that blows into a fight:

“We talk all the time and we FaceTime but we just don’t text because I feel like texting can be misrepresentative at times.I’ve had the thing where I re-read texts and I’m like, ‘What does that mean?’ and then read it to somebody and go, ‘Can you interpret that?’I don’t want that between my lover and I. We just do voice to voice, or skin to skin, as we always say.”

Please excuse me while I go barf in the trashcan at her use of the phrase “my lover.” OK, I’m back. This does seem a tad suspect. I mean, what if they’re hosting 200 guests for an Australia Day party (or for a viewing to jeer at reruns of the new American Idol), and Keith needs to know how many meat pies to bring home from the grocery store? Does Nicole really have to be that annoying person who FaceTimes SANS HEADPHONES in public with her man? Also, I’m going to have to call BS on this no-texting rule being sparked by her getting the wrong idea of what a text message might mean. You know Keith is the type of person to text, “Hey, luvvie. I’m having some shrimp on the barbie and really miss you and can’t wait to see you soon!” And Nicole is the type who just responds with, “K.”

Pic: Wenn.com